According to Wednesday Martin Ph.D., relationships during Covid-19 are becoming an uphill battle. Dr. Martin suggests there are at least 3 types of relationship issues showing up in therapy during the Covid-19 pandemic, and recognizing them may be your best protection against breakups and divorce.
It’s the Little Things. Mostly.
First, there are those little things that have been simmering between a couple for years, and have become not-so-little while in isolation. That would be your partner’s annoying habits; things like chewing loudly or not knowing a Tide pod from a Swiffer picker upper, or blasting Lizzo in your living room instead of out with her friends. Isolation can lower your distress tolerance, and you may find yourself getting fed up faster by relatively small issues that now seem inescapable.
Then there are issues specific to the pandemic. Suddenly, you’re facing acute financial worries. Perhaps there are discrepancies in how partners want to practice COVID-19 safety, or how quickly they want to move back out into the world. Add to that a profound lack of privacy and you have a recipe for disaster. A recent poll by the American Psychiatric Association indicates that 40% of Americans are anxious that they’ll become seriously ill or die from COVID-19. Calls to mental health hotlines have surged. We know that personal mental health problems inevitably spill over into relationships, taxing partnerships even further.
A third type of issue troubling partners is the ghosts of relationships past. Be mindful that when you’re talking with your significant other, family members and former partners might also be in the room, symbolically speaking that is. It’s common for hostility toward people from your past or dysfunctional patterns from earlier in your life to come up during an argument. While confined and without your customary outlets and distractions it’s even more likely.
A recent paper in the journal Lancet points out that humans have a long history of breaking down emotionally during quarantines and pandemics. Symptoms of isolation-induced stress may include emotional detachment, irritability and exhaustion. All can poison relationships. But what can you do about it?
Make a Plan
Knowing that relationship distress is common under extraordinary circumstances can help you reframe stressors as temporary issues that will feel more manageable as life returns to a “new normal.” Giving yourself a 60-day pass, a buffer in which you make no big decisions about your relationship, can cut down on feelings of stress and urgency. Notwithstanding physical abuse, which cannot and should not be put off.
Far too many people assume that mental health services are not available right now and that these experiences, along with the negative effect on relationships, are inevitable. Nothing could be further from the truth. Most mental health professionals continue to provide services; offering in-office, telehealth, or private walk and talk visits. I’ve even heard of some therapy taking place while sitting in your car. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
The bottom line is that we’re all going to be stressed individually and as couples as the pandemic drags on. Soda, wine and water bottles are going to pile up, and you might find yourself yelling about how loudly your partner breathes. Just remember to take care of your own mental health, spend some intentional time with your partner, and avoid placing all your social needs and expectations on one person. You and your relationship may come out even better than before. Although this may be a period of intense relationship risk, it’s also a period of great relationship opportunity.
“The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s green where you water it.” ~ Neil Barringham
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